


But The Devil Always Won

by IchikaAkiyama



Series: AoT x OC [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood and Injury, F/M, Non-Chronological, Non-Linear Narrative, Oral Sex, Romance, Sex, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, it's gonna come up at some point, not tagged for this yet BUT WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO ERWIN, ratings and tags liable to change/increase, some depictions/descriptions of violence and injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:00:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27775768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IchikaAkiyama/pseuds/IchikaAkiyama
Summary: And I can feel you even nowBreaking horses in the skyI can taste you in my rageAnd in the sweat upon my browA non-chronological telling of how Captain Kai Fryxell loved a man that most called a devil - the Commander of the Scout Regiment, Erwin Smith.(Content warningsfor some depiction of violence and injury in new update - Chapter 6.)
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Original Character(s), Erwin Smith/Original Female Character(s)
Series: AoT x OC [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031928
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	1. The Day I Tried to Live - The First Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Usual ownership disclaimers apply.
> 
> Thank you for stopping by! This is a **NON-CHRONOLOGICAL** and therefore non-linear fanfic, recounting the relationship between Erwin Smith and Kai Fryxell, my OC. Aside from being able to only flesh out snippets of their story non-sequentially, I also thought this would be an interesting way to introduce my OC, and to show how the relationship changes them both. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> If you'd like an idea of what Kai looks like, you can check her out **[here](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EWa6ESWUcAE-XJ7?format=jpg&name=large)**.
> 
> Title of the fic taken from " ** _Chasing Twisters_** " by Delta Rae.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai's morning turns into a milestone when Erwin asks to speak with her alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter may look familiar to some people; I borrowed this scene from one of my favorite video games, and just changed around some of the dialogue and who says them to better fit Erwin and Kai.

“I was hoping we could talk. Alone?”

Kai can’t tell which is now louder - the silence that followed the Commander’s request, or the knowing, perhaps even accusatory, stares from everyone else in the captains’ quarters, boring holes straight into and through her. Just at the edge of her periphery, she can see Levi sipping his tea, the only person decidedly not looking at her, but she can feel the  _ pointedness _ of his actions all the same. Before her, broad frame all but taking up much of the doorway, her commanding officer waits, expectation just barely visible on his face.

Kai swallows thickly. “Alone?” she echoes, though it isn’t what she meant to say. “O-of course,” she manages to stammer out, the ghost of a tiny smirk in the corner of Erwin’s mouth not escaping her notice as he steps aside to let her out the door.

She doesn’t know where they’re headed, but she follows where he leads. Is that so surprising? They all do, those of them who have learned to trust him with their lives. Is this any different? No reason, surely, for her to think herself special. 

Kai tries to keep reminding herself of this, tries to bat down and away the giddy anxiousness slowly rising to her throat from somewhere deep in her chest. He must need something specific from her or her squad. Of course. That  _ must  _ be it. This isn’t the first time he has asked to speak with her alone, nor is it the first time they have been alone together. Perhaps not all those other times have been about work, but even those times were...chaste. Wholesome. Or at least at the cusp of. So this couldn’t be any different.

Right?

She finds herself atop one of the higher battlements defending the fort, usually visited only by roving patrols or passers-by but otherwise mostly abandoned. A sprawling, almost idyllic view of the city surrounds them, and for a while Kai loses track of her thoughts to the landscape around her and the warm sun above.

“It  _ is _ a lovely day,” Erwin comments cheerfully.

Kai is slightly startled out of her reverie. “What?” she asks, unsure she had heard him correctly, but when she turns her attention back to him, she finds him watching her, not the view, with a gentle smile that makes her breath catch in her throat.

Kai rubs at the back of her neck in a futile attempt to diffuse the heat in her cheeks. “There’s...something you wanted to discuss?” she offers, and she thinks she sees Erwin’s expression soften even more.

“Certainly not the weather,” he says with a small laugh.

“No, I...suppose not,” Kai replies, turning flushed cheeks away hopefully before he notices.

~ + ~

_ “Come  _ **_on_ ** _ , Fryxell,” Levi says, his usually sardonic expression even worse than usual,”You cant seriously be THAT dense.” _

_ “Maybe I am!” Kai retorts, “Maybe I really just don't know! But I can’t see it. I don’t...I don’t see it.” _

_ Levi cocks an eyebrow at her, or perhaps at the almost sad note in her tone. “You can’t?” he challenges, “Or you don’t want to?” _

_ It’s enough to stop Kai in her tracks. He’s right, of course. Part of her knows he is. But he...and she… _

_ “Listen, Fryxell,” Levi sighs, rising from his seat, “You don’t have to believe me. And I don’t claim to know what’s really going on between the two of you, but I do know that man pretty well. I can only trust what I know, and that’s not even a hundred percent of the time correct. Even so, I know him, and I’ve told you what I know. You can take it or leave it.” He finishes off his tea. “I don’t really care, honestly. As long as whatever you choose to do gets that ridiculous look off your face. But if you really want to know for sure, I say you should just go to him and ask. Put both of you out of your damn miseries. Although I’ve got a feeling he’ll get to it before you ever pluck up the courage to.” _

_ Kai snorts. “Oh yeah?” _

_ “Yeah, smartass,” Levi answers, “The man’s a gambler. He knows if he thinks about it too long, he’ll lose his shot.” _

~ + ~

Someone walks past them, and Kai draws back slightly, as if there’s anywhere to hide. The soldier barely acknowledges them but for a nod and a greeting for Erwin that goes ignored. He’s hardly past them when Erwin lessens the distance between himself and Kai.

“Captain Fryxell,” he starts, gently, “...Kai.” Gentler even. “I won’t beat around the bush, and I have always been honest with you. If you’ll allow me, I’d like to keep doing so now.” He steps even closer, so close she can reach out and touch him.

“Kai,” Erwin says again, her name so solid and so real when he says it, “I care for you. Very much. Beyond a comrade, beyond a subordinate. Perhaps beyond propriety. I...suspect you already know.”

Kai lets out a shaky breath she hadn’t been aware she’d been holding in. She looks away, unsure she can trust her words if she continues to stare at him. Trying to find the right words, she takes a few steps away from him, but doesn’t get too far; her hand is in his. When did that happen?

“I...suspected,” she confesses at last, still unable to really look at him, “I can’t honestly say I...don’t feel the same way. Or that I haven’t wondered what it might be like. But I...I didn’t dare hope…”

Erwin’s eyebrows arc up in askance, or at least seem to, as much as they can. “What’s stopping you?” He hasn’t let go of her hand; his thumb rubs comforting, feather-light circles around one of her knuckles.

Kai can’t help letting out a single, humorless chuckle. “YOu’re the Commander of the Scout Regiment,” she replies, as though this should have been an obvious answer, “You’ve been exceptionally kind to me, and always seem to enjoy my company, but still I…” She sighs, trailing off, trying to fight the awful ferret teeth gnawing at the edges of everything she has ever felt for him, everything she’s been through with him at her side or pulling her through, every moment she’s been able to share with him. “I keep thinking I only see what I want to see. THat it’s all in my head, and I’m believing my own fantasies. That I’ve dreamed it all up and none of it is real.”

Erwin’s curious expression turns sad, perhaps even disappointed, maybe even something akin to empathetic pity. “None of it is real?” he repeats, “Do you truly believe that?”

Kai feels tears starting to well in her eyes. He sounds so  _ sincere _ , and yet even in this moment, something she’s experiencing as it’s happening, she’s finding it all too good to be true. “I…” she ponders her reply, “No, not  _ truly _ . I think. Still, I...I never really thought it could be possible.”

He steps closer, a kind, understanding smile now brightening his handsome face. “And yet I’m still here, Kai,” he tells her, reassures her, lacing her fingers with his, “As are you.”

She cannot tell if he is leaning into her, or she into him. “So we are,” she concedes, if a little weakly, the closeness of him fogging her judgment, the warmth of him at this proximity drawing her in, “It seems too much to ask, but I want to…”

So close, she can feel his breath on her skin, can hear his near-quiet inhale of anticipation, can feel his pulse matching hers. So close -

“Commander!” 

The urgent call is followed by the heavy clock of a closing door as a recruit, his eyes on some papers in his hand, strides up to Erwin and right through their moment, rupturing it sharply with his interruption. 

“Section-Commander Hange has finished up her reports on the experiments,” he announces, still headed straight for Erwin.

Kai steps aside and away, swallowing around her disappointment at being interrupted and her embarrassment at being found like this with the Commander. 

Erwin lets out an equally frustrated sigh. “What?!” he asks, perhaps a little gruffer than intended.

Oblivious, the soldier just keeps going. “Section-Commander Hange’s reports?” he repeats, “You said you wanted it delivered without delay.”

He finally looks up, only to be met with a hard, stern glare from Erwin that seems to burn holes straight through him to chill his blood. He glances behind Erwin and sees Kai fidgeting awkwardly, brushing stray strands of hair behind her ear. Only then does he realize his rudeness.

“O-or, to your office!” he exclaims, as if coming to this conclusion for the first time, “...Right.”

Kai listens to him beat a hasty retreat. She waits until she hears the door close behind him before saying something again, hoping to relieve Erwin of any obligation towards the moment that had just been lost. Part of her wants to chase it still, but -

“If you need to-” she starts, but the rest of her sentence disappears into a startled gasp that itself vanishes into Erwin’s kiss. 

Erwin kisses her, just takes her and  _ kisses _ her, pulling her flush against him as his lips move with hers, his hand in her hair to keep her there where he wants her. It’s not very long before Kai’s initial surprise dissipates, transforming into a deep wan that blooms hot and bright in her chest, makes her cling to him as he kisses deeper, her heartbeat seeming to keep pace with his in an attempt to thump right out of her chest. 

Colors are bursting behind Kai’s eyelids when Erwin pulls away, cheeks slightly flushed himself.

“I’m sorry,” he offers, sounding only slightly so, “That was sudden, but I...I didn’t want to risk losing the opportunity. Although, by the look on your face, I’d wager you’re not exactly complaining.”

His tone turns teasing, and Kai can’t fight the blush that creeps into her cheeks. “Not right now, at least,” she answers, “But if you don’t do it again, I just might start.”

Erwin chuckles, mirthful, perhaps even a little relieved to be right. “Well, we certainly can’t have that.”

There are no more words after that, as Kai lets herself get lost in his embrace and his kiss, letting his warmth scare away the gnashing teeth and build protection around everything she has ever felt for him, everything they’ve been through together, and everything they’ve ever shared. THere, in his arms, as she lets him kiss away her fears and doubt, Kai lets herself begin to believe, if even for a while, that this is real, and possible, and it is hers and his together. There in his arms, she lets herself believe she can have this.

\--- + ---


	2. Somethin' Stupid - A NIGHT AT THE TAVERN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spending some days of approved leave in her father's home, Kai sees to helping him out at his tavern, only to recieve a special visit on her last night there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to those who have read and left Kudos! I've had this OC for a while and I've been aching to write for her and Erwin for so long, I'm so glad a good friend of mine enabled and encouraged me to actually start doing it.
> 
> As mentioned before, this fanfic's narrative is non-linear, telling events out of chronological order. This chapter takes place a bit earlier in Kai's story, much farther before the events of the first chapter.

What started out as another routine evening at her father’s tavern takes an unexpected turn with a simple swing of the door.

“Chickpea,” calls Kai’s father, “You sure you’re still allowed to be here tonight?”

Kai rolls her eyes. “I told you I’m still on leave today, Papa,” she returns as she wipes down the bar, “Why do you keep asking? You going senile on me at last?”

“No, of course not,” replies her father, “But a couple of your friends just walked in, and if they’re here to arrest you for skipping out on work, I’m not going to stop them.”

“What?” Kai turns her attention to the door, through which, indeed, two very familiar faces have just come through. “Commander Erwin! Squad Leader Miche!”

Kai hastily drops her rag and straightens her apron to greet her superiors. Erwin meets her with a pleased grin as she salutes, while Miche surveys the just-full tavern.

“So this is where you’ve been hiding,” Miche comments, “Been holding out on us, have you?”

Kai can only offer a slight chuckle as her father joins her. “Paa, these are my commanding officers. Commander Erwin Smith and Squad Leader Miche Zacharius of the Survey Corps.”

“Survey Corps, huh?” her father repeats as he shakes both men’s hands, “So you’re the ones I have to thank for this new establishment and for giving my daughter something better to do with her life.”

“ _Can I interest you in some drinks?!_ ” Kai interjects quickly, feeling heat in her ears as her father laughs, “We can make you virtually anything you can think of, or I do have a recommendation.”

“I’d be glad to hear it,” replies Erwin, “But don’t fuss on our account, Captain Fryxell.”

“Captain?” Kai’s father exclaims, “Well, how about that? And I had to hear it from someone else instead of you, chickpea? And here I thought you cared about your dear old dad.”

Kai feels herself blush a little deeper. “It’s kind of recent, Papa,” she mumbles, “It kind of slipped my mind. It’s not a big deal.”

“Not a big deal, my ass,” her father scoffs lovingly, calling out to everyone in the bar next, “Everyone! Apparently my daughter just made captain in the Survey Corps! One round for everybody on the house to celebrate!”

The taverns patrons all cheer, some raising their glasses in thanks, some offering Kai their congratulations.

“Oh god,” Kai sighs with an awkward chuckle, rubbing at one side of her face to try and dissipate the heat there, “You didn’t have to _announce_ it.”

“Well, I just did,” laughs her father, patting her on the back, “Now you go on and show these men to the bar. And don’t even worry about tabs, sirs - Far as I’m running this joint, the Survey Corps always drinks free. And don’t even try to argue, I’m an old man who runs a tavern on my own night after night, I’m sure I can take you spry youngins in a fight.”

“He probably could,” Kai acquiesces as Miche snorts.

“I don’t doubt it,” Erwin replies genially as Kai leads them to the bar at the back of the tavern.

“ _Do_ you have anything in mind?” Kai asks as she takes her place behind the counter, “I’m happy to get you anything.”

Miche continues to survey the surroundings, but Erwin’s attention is on Kai. “You mentioned a recommendation, Captain?” he prompts, hands folded in front of him on the countertop.

“It _is_ just a recommendation, not an imposition, Commander,” she says, “But Papa has the _best_ dark beer brew this side of the Wall, for sure. It was the star of the tavern he had before...well, _before_. I think at least half the people here are having it.”

“Sounds good then,” Erwin agrees, “You too, Miche?”

Miche seems to have caught the eye of someone across the room. “Mmm? Sure,” he replies, only half-interested.

“Great!” Kai exclaims, pleased, as Erwin glances over to where Miche is looking and gives an amused shake of his head, “Two pints of the good stuff then.”

The pour is just behind her, and she has tankards for both men in a matter of seconds.

“Oh, you weren’t exaggerating,” Erwin says after two or three swigs, “This is _very_ good.”

“I thought you might like that,” Kai agrees, “Bet it tastes even better because it’s free.”

The joke earns a small laugh from Erwin. “I can’t say that doesn’t enhance it’s excellence,” he answers, “Would you like to have one with us, Kai?”

Kai feels her cheeks color; it’s been at least a year since she enlisted in the Survey Corps, but she’s apparently still unused to hearing him say her name.

She clears her throat to diffuse her monetary shyness. “I can’t right now, Commander,” she tells him, “Stil on shift and all.”

“Oh, go on, chickpea,” interjects her father, who she hadn’t even noticed was at the counter for someone’s orders, ‘I run this place just fine on my own. It’s your last night home, take a load off. Let a man actually buy you a drink for once. Even if it _is_ free.”

Kai sputters at her father’s apparently never-ending ability to embarrass her in front of her superiors.

“You heard your father, Kai,” Erwin says, playing along, “Have yourself a drink, on me, as it were.” He raises his tankard at her in a salute. “We’d be glad to have the company of a pretty lady on a night like this, wouldn’t we, Miche?”

This night seems determined to keep Kai blushing. She does so again now; she quickly turns away. “I, er, well...Okay then,” she finally relents, undoing her apron, “Let me just..yeah.”

As she puts her rags and apron away, she misses the look Miche gives her, and then Erwin, who ignores the glance sent his way before Miche stands and heads across the room.

“Not having the dark beer yourself?” Erwin asks when Kai rejoins him, “I was under the impression you liked it.”

“I’m a _very_ good liar,” Kai jokes, squeezing lime into her whiskey, “No, but I _do_ like it though, just can’t have a lot of the stuff. It might surprise you to know that, for someone who grew up around all this, I’m not actually very good at tolerating alcohol. I tend to stay away from beers and wines because I can have _too much_ of it, so I stick with a single glass of whiskey and be done, even if it _is_ stronger. The lime is just...strange personal preference.”

“That _is_ surprising,” Erwin replies, “But nothing to be embarrassed about, I assure you. As long as you’re able to enjoy the night, that should be enough?” He lifts his mug to offer a toast, which Kai accepts with her glass, “To your father’s health,” he offers, “And to you, Kai, and whatever other surprises we might learn about you tonight.”

Kai hides her flushed cheeks by taking a sip of her drink. “You seem very interested in wasting a lot of time trying to learn all about me, Commander,” she snorts.

Erwin chuckles. “Getting to know you better doesn’t sound like a waste of time,” he answers, and something seems to dance in his bright blue eyes; Kai thinks it’s a trick of the light. “As a Commander, I don’t have the luxury of having the time to know everyone who lives and trains in our barracks, but I’d like to at least be well acquainted with those who are directly under my command. And as of recently, that now includes you, Kai. I figure there could be worse places and circumstances to have these conversations than a night of free drinks at your father’s tavern.”

“Heh, you’re probably right about that,” Kai says with a small shrug, “But if I have to share details about myself, then so do you, Commander. Deal?”

“On two conditions,” Erwin offers, “The first is that you call me by my name more, at least in informal settings such as this. And second - you fill my tankard again with your father's excellent brew, and keep it flowing.”

“The second one, I can do,” Kai answers, taking his empty mug to refill it, “The first will take some getting used to.”

“Take your time,” Erwin replies, “I can wait.”

Something in the way he says it, in the almost imperceptible expression on his face,gives Kai pause. She’s not sure she’s ever seen him like this, isn’t sure how many people have. She’s heard words like these before, from other people, knows why people use them and how. She just...can’t quite believe _he_ , of all people, would be doing that _now_ . To _her_. Of all people.

She gives herself a little shake; she’s imagining things. Reading too much into things. He made his purpose and intention clear. No reason to suspect - or hope? - for more than that.

“Alright then,” she says to him, returning his now full pint, “I’ll work on it, Com-....Erwin.”

The smile he gives her then is warm, softening the lines and plains of his chiseled, handsome features. “I’m sure you will,” he tells her cheerfully. He takes a swig, followed by an exhale of satisfaction. “Well, I suppose I owe you a detail about myself now, granted that I now know one new thing about you.”

~ + ~

Kai laughs together with Erwin, and the sound carries a little louder now that the tavern is all but empty. Only two or three patrons remain, Kai’s father is cleaning and doing dishes, and Miche has long since disappeared with someone on his arm.

“And what happened to the horse?” she asks as Erwin polishes off his seventh beer.

“We unfortunately never found out for sure,” Erwin replies as Kai fills his tankard again, “But the stable masters weren’t too happy with us for a few days after.”

“No, I can’t imagine they would have been,” Kai giggles.

“Your turn now,” Erwin prompts, “Something I ask anyone I didn’t recruit myself - Why did you choose to join the Corps? I can’t imagine your father would’ve wanted a military career for his only daughter.”

Kai rubs at the back of her neck. “Heh, he didn’t,” she reveals, “He was hoping I would help him with the tavern and eventually take over when he couldn’t work anymore. For a while, I thought I could be happy with that.”

“You’re certainly quite good at it,” Erwin compliments her, “What changed?”

Kai winces. “Oh, I…” she hesitates, “I’m not sure I want to tell you now.”

Erwin’s eyebrows rise in askance. “WHy not?”

Kai scratches at a phantom itch on her nape again. “I, you know…” she stammers, “It’s...not exactly the best or noblest of reasons. I wouldn’t want you to think badly of me.”

“I didn’t know my opinion of you mattered so much to you,” Erwin says, slightly teasing, “I’ve heard a variety of reasons over the years. I have my own as well. Not everyone in our ranks is there willingly. If what you have is so terrible, I’ll let you know. But I assure you, even without hearing it yet, that I’m certain I’ve heard worse.”

“That sounds like a better conversation than anything I’ve got to say,”Kai shoots back.

“Perhaps,” Erwin says with a small shrug, “But I already know their reasons. I want to hear _yours_. You’ve nothing to fear from me, I promise.”

He says it gently and kindly enough that Kai wants to believe him. She chooses to. She wouldn’t have joined the Scouts if she hadn’t already had good reason to believe him and believe _in_ him.

She takes a deep breath. “You know I didn’t grow up in Trost,” she begins, “Papa and I lived on the outskirts of town, less crowded and stuff, but just as prone to petty crimes as anywhere.” She pauses to finish off her glass of water. “Some thieves broke into my father’s tavern and caused an accidental fire. The place went up in flames quickly. I tried to save what I could.”

“Is that how you got the scars on your arm?” Erwin inquires.

Kai runs fingers over the heald burn marks on the inside of her left arm. ‘Yes,” she reveals, “I’ve another on my thigh. Though I'm a little surprised you noticed this at all, considering our uniforms.”

“We’re not always wearing the jacket,” Erwin points out, “But good work trying to change the subject.”

“Dammit, you noticed?!” Kai says with a click of her tongue, “Fine. Anyway. Neighbors helped us put the fire out, but the damage was done. Our house was barely standing. I sought out the MPs, hoping to get their help in finding the culprits and bringing them to justice. You can imagine how well that turned out.”

Erwin offers her a sympathetic shrug over his stein.

“I was so angry,” Kai continues, “Even after we finally managed to move here, I was angry. I decided the best thing I could do was enlist and try to join the MPs to...Well, I’m not sure, realy. Expose their corruption? Serve as an example? Change it from the inside? Something. But I’ve loathed them for a long time.”

“You made it into the top ten of your graduating corps,” Erwin adds for her, “Nothing you’ve said sounds ignoble. Quite the contrary, actually.”

“I don’t know, “Kai sighs, “It sounds petty and selfish in my head.”

“Not to me,” Erwin argues, “Between you and I...I can understand wanting to avenge a slight against your father. Besides, you were concerned for the well-being of the society. You wanted to make the MPs better.”

“But only because of something that happened to me and my family,” Kai counterpoints, “I don’t know that I would have wanted to without that.”

“I know you well enough, I think, to know you would,” replies Erwin, giving her another easy grin, “So what changed your mind? Why join the Scouts instead?”

There’s one quick answer that immediately springs to the front of Kai’s mind, not helped - or perhaps very much helped - by the fact that the answer is sitting right in front of her. She bats the thought away quickly, shrugging instead as she replies. “It’s...a variety of different things,” she tells him as she refills his mug again, “The more I heard of the Survey Corps, the more I realized how much better you were than the MPs. I couldn’t help but admire you, the courage and strength it took to train for and see to all of your duties, knowing there’s never a guarantee that you’d come back from the expeditions.”

Erwin is watching her intently, but she can’t really see, a little lost in her own thoughts.

“The Scouts are actually fighting for something,” Kai says, “Actually _doing_ something to make things better for everyone. I figured I’d do more good here with the Scouts than trying to change or get revenge on the MPs.”

“And our attrition rate didn’t scare you off?”

“Evidently not. My father wasn’t very pleased about it either, for a while. But the Scouts are heroes. You have a passion and a drive for a future that maybe no one else can see. Those we’ve lost died giving their hearts and souls to the cause. I’d rather die fighting for something than live comfortably doing nothing.”

Something changes in the way Erwin looks at her, smiles at her. Kai feels an odd sort of weight in his stare, enough to make her turn red at her rambling.

“I’ve talked too much,” she says sheepishly, looking away from him.

“No, you’ve said enough for me to know for certain,” Erwin assures her, “I think you’re perfect.”

Kai’s heart skips a beat, her breath catching in her throat. She can’t have heard that right. Abso _lutely_ not.

“You’re a perfect fit for the Scouts,” Erwin continues, and Kai’s relief makes her miss the way he had tried to add to his statement with a bit of haste, “A fine addition to our numbers, small as they are, and worthy of your new rank. If only more people thought as you did. Thank you, Kai.” He toasts her again. “I look forward to seeing what you can become with your drive and skills, and I would be honored to be a part of your growth in any capacity.”

Kai has nowhere to hide, nothing to disguise her expression with. Shecan only offer him a grateful smile. “I’m confident I made the right choice,” she offers, “But, er..What about you? Why did _you_ join the Scouts?”

Erwin finishes his drink. “Remember our rule, Captain,” he chuckles, “No asking the same questions.”

Kai’s shoulder drop. “Well, yes, but…” she pouts, “I want to know!”

Erwin gives a non-committal jerk of his head. “Another time, perhaps,” he tells her, “I think we’ve taken up enough of your father’s time, and it’s well past time for him to close up.”

“Oh shit,” Kai exclaims in shock, “Have we been talking that long? I barely felt it!”

“Nor I,” Erwin answers, “Time tends to fly by in enjoyable company.”

Kai tries her damnedest best not to let that linger in the air around her. “So it does,” she acquiesces, “Thank you for visiting us tonight, Commander.”

“Thank _you_ for the drinks and the conversation,” he returns, “I hope I haven’t drunk you out of house and home.”

Kai laughs. “My father makes the brew every other day,” she tells him, “There will _always_ be more for you whenever you want to come by for a drink.”

“Accompanied by you, I hope,” Erwin replies, “To ensure they _stay_ free, if nothing else.”

This makes Kai giggle. “Deal then,”she answers.

Erwin reaches into his pocket, counts up some money in a clip, and drops it on the counter. “A tip,” he tells Kai before she can object, “For excellent service and drinks.” He rises from his seat. “Have a restful evening, Kai. I look forward to seeing you back at the barracks tomorrow morning.”

“Goodnight...Erwin,” Kai returns, bringing yet another soft smile to his face and a pleasant nod.

Kai watches him disappear out the door, already missing his presence at the seat in front of her.

\--- + ---


	3. Save Me From Myself - AN EVENING CHAT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faced with the reality of being in a relationship with a powerful man, Kai questions the wisdom of it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to those who have read, left Kudos and/or feedback! Every chapter that I'm able to write for this makes me more and more excited for it.
> 
> I'm particularly excited for this chapter, because it introduces my very good friend's OC, Haydn Brooks! They recently got into AoT and consumed it pretty quickly and became a fan, so we've been having a lot of back and forth about this. I don't think this story would actually exist right now if it wasn't for them encouraging me to just start it already, so I'm so happy to finally include their OC! I hope you enjoy Haydn as much as I do.

Another long night of special training has Kai tired and hungry, and not for the first time questioning if being made Captain was really an honor or just another hidden method of slow torture. She’s missed the call for dinner again, but even at this hour, there’s bound to be something left at the mess hall.

Sure enough, the place isn’t empty. A handful or so mill about with conversation, or sit to chat over whatever food is still left. To Kai’s relief, there seems to still be some bread and jam, though not much. As she crosses the room to take what she can before it’s gone, she spots her friend sitting at a table farther inside, alone as usual. They seem to sense Kai looking, because they lok back up at her and indicate the opposite side of their table with a nod. Kai is quick to grab some food and join them.

“Captain,” they greet as Kai takes her seat.

“Oh god, Haydn, don’t, I’ve already told you,” Kai scoffs, “I’m still not sure I’m worthy of that.”

Haydn snorts into their drink. “Well, luckily for you,” they say with a disinterested chuckle, “You’re not the one who gets to decide that.”

“ _Ugh_ ,” Kai groans, rubbing her temple as she takes a bite out of her bread, “Be that as it may, I’m not exactly feeling very _Captain-y_ , even with all this special training we’re getting.”

“That where you were?” Haydn asks, picking at their food, “Thought maybe you’d been in a _private meeting_ with Commander Erwin.”

“ _Shit_ , keep your voice down!” Kai hisses in a panic, looking around to see if anyone had heard.

Haydn regards her for a few seconds. “Sure, but I don’t see why,” they say, “It’s not like people don’t know or something.”

“Fucking hell,” Kai whines, downing her entire glass of water in one go.

“Look, people talk, you know that,” Haydn points out, “And even if it isn’t _everyone_ that knows, rumors spread fast. It’s not like there’s much better things to do around here sometimes. The most excitement we get is when we go outside the walls, and all that shit out there is just par for the course.” They grimace at the end of their own words; they take a sip as if what they had said made their throat go dry.

“I suppose,” Kai sighs, poking at her jam with her knife, “Still though, I just...Maybe I shouldn’t have…”

She trails off, and Haydn looks her up and down over the top of her drink. “What? Made out with him on the western battlements in broad daylight?”

Kai cringes. “Do you have to say it like that?” she whispers.

Haydn shrugs. “It’s true, though,” they say through a mouthful of bread, “I'm just telling it like it is. Don’t dodge the question.”

“What question?”

“You heard me.”

Kai lets out another heavy sigh. “Kinda wish I hadn’t.”

“Heh, why?” Haydn snorts, “Do you regret it?”

“What? NO!” Kai replies instantly, but then, “I mean...I...ugh, maybe?”

Haydn’s eyebrows furrow. “Why?” they ask, actually sounding even a little bit concerned, “Did he do something? Everything okay with the two of you?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Kai assures them, “Everything’s great, he’s great.”

Haydn’s expression changes from concern to teasing intrigue. “Oh yeah?” they ask, cocking an eyebrow at her friend, “That good, huh?”

Kai blinks at them, not taking their meaning, until she suddenly does. “Oh GOD, no, that’s not what I mean!” she all but screeches, “I mean...we don’t...we haven’t…”

“...Huh,” Haydn huffs, returning to their drink, “Slightly surprising, but that’s more than I really wanna know about your business anyway. So what’s your hang up then? Why the ‘maybe?’”

Kai plants her elbow on the worn wooden tabletop, then her temple on her fist. “I just think…” she starts, finding her mostly empty plate _very_ intriguing indeed, “Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe _he_ made a mistake. With me, I mean.”

“How so?” Haydn asks, watching Kai through a half-squint.

Kai shrugs, still not looking at Haydn. “I mean…” she hesitates, “He’s...you know. He’s _him_. He's not just some guy. He’s the _Commander of the Scout Regiment_. He got there for a reason. People know who he _is_ . They look up to him. We all do. Everyone’s got this image of him, and whether or not that’s important to him, he’scultivated it and earned it. What if I’m...Maybe I’m just _ruining_ that. Tarnishing his image. Dragging him down.”

The silence that follows settles heavily, until Haydn sighs.

“Captain Kai, permission to reach over and smack you upside your stupid head,” they remark, making Kai choke on what’s left of her bread.

“Permission fucking denied!” she exclaims, “Why would you even want to do that anyway?”

“ _Tch_ ,” Haydn clicks their tongue, “Let me get this straight - You think so little of yourself that you think _he’s_ being a dumbass by being with you?”

“Whoa, hold on!” Kai sputters, “That’s not what I -”

“It kind of is,” Haydn interjects, “You’re so focused on your own insecurities and inferiority complex that you aren’t stopping to think about what you’re implying about _him_. Which is that he’s either unintelligent and selfish, or being a reckless, unthinking asshole. Either way you think he didn’t think any of this through, like he’s letting his pants make the decisions for him.”

Kai opens and closes her mouth in an attempt to protest, which inevitably proves futile. “I mean…” she mumbles, a bit guiltily, “When you say it like _that_ …”

“Now I know you’re not trying to shit-talk him,” Haydn continues, “Especially not in front of _me_ ,because you know that if you actually _did_ try that, I’d deck you hard, ranks be damned. So if you don’t believe he’s an idiot, then the opposite _has_ to be true, right?”

Kai’s eyebrows nearly meet in her confusion. “The opposite?”

“When have you ever known that man to make any big decision or plan without thinking it through?” Haydn points out, “The Commander likes taking calculated risks, that’s his whole schtick. That’s why the Scouts are the way they are. The way _we_ are. We’re led by the only man with more than enough intelligence and steel balls to consistently venture outside the walls and face the hell that awaits out there. So what makes you think this whole deal with you is just reckless impulse?”

Kai can’t deny that Haydn is right about Erwin, despite their tendency towards hero-worshipping the man. But even _that_ isn’t unwarranted. Kai is only one of a few hundred whose loyalty is commanded by him, whose passion for the cause is driven by his ferocious belief in the end goals of the duties and responsibilities of the Survey Corps.

“Give yourself some damn credit,” Haydn continues, “If you can’t, then give _him_ more credit. He wouldn’t be pursuing this with you if he didn’t think you were worth the risk. _If_ he sees any risk to begin with. If this man you think so much of sees something in you, then you can’t be as bad as you think you are or whatever, right?”

They’re right, and Kai knows it. A part of her still objects, still thinks it’s a bad idea, _she’s_ a bad idea, but the only reason it’s protesting so loudly is because Haydn’s words are cutting it off and speaking even louder over it.

“But you don’t have to listen to me,” Haydn goes on, “You can always ask him yourself. I don’t believe he’s got any reason to lie to you. Or if you _really_ still don’t think this is okay, that you’re _cramping his style_ , you can just break it off. Nothing’s stopping you.”

Kai cocks her head at Haydn. “But you just -”

“I’m not trying to stop you from doing that,” Haydn snorts, “I’m not even trying to convince you I’m right. But I sure as shit wasn’t gonna sit here and let you bad-mouth the Commander by saying he picked trash to be with.”

Kai chuckles. “And here I thought you cared about me self-destructing,” she says.

“You wish,” Haydn replies, but Kai knows they don’t mean it, “I care about you keeping me here any longer when I could already be in bed sleeping.” She rises and starts gathering her used drishes, utensils and glass. They stop as they pass beside Kai’s seat.

“I mean it, Kai,” Haydn remarks, “No matter how bad you think yourself to be, someone like _him_ thinks you’re enough. That’s _got_ to count for something.” They shrug before they walk off. “See you at training tomorrow, Captain.”

Kai catches sight of her own shadow on the plate in front of her in the somewhat dim light of the lamps, barely holding a shape that she only just recognizes as hers because she knows it’s attached to her. She ponders it a while, wonders how she can still recognize herself in it despite it not showing any of her features and characteristics. 

A small commotion at the door draws her out of her thoughts; she looks up to see some soldiers saluting just as Erwin walks in, accompanied by an animated Hange and a less than enthusiastic Miche, with an even more disinterested Levi not far behind. Erwin acknowledges the salutes and allows the soldiers to be at ease, before his eyes land on Kai, alone at her table.

_He thinks you’re enough. That’s got to count for something._

Kai offers him a salute of her own as Hange notices where Erwin is looking and what’s caught his attention. Erwin gives her a small, warm smile and a single nod.

 _Maybe it CAN be enough_.

\--- + ---


	4. Dust In The Wind - AN EXPEDITION GOES WRONG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ambushed by the unexpected appearance of a horde of titans, Kai finds herself in need of rescue even after surviving the ordeal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the hits and the Kudos! This is my least read and least Kudos'd fic so far, but I find I don't really mind as much. I love this fic so much, I'm happy to keep updating for as long as even one person is interested!
> 
> Haydn is back in this chapter, and if you see a difference in the pronouns used to refer to them, it's because their correct pronouns are actually a mix of SHE/HER and THEY/THEM, so I made sure to observe that more in this chapter than in the previous one.
> 
> Also, the action in this chapter is inspired by and mostly based on how the expeditions and Scout missions go and look like in the "Attack On Titan 2" video game. If you've never played or seen it, please look for a video of what it looks like when one of the characters saves your player character from a titan. It's worth it, I promise.

No one knows better that there is nothing remotely routine about routine than the Scouts. No trip outside the walls is ever exactly the same. It’s why Scouts never stop training, never stop preparing - because no matter how much they do, how much even the brightest strategic minds anticipate, something unexpected is bound to happen.

 _That_ , Kai thinks to herself, _was my first mistake._

Has she become complacent now that she’s more comfortable in her role? Has she let her guard down too much because the new strategies Erwin and the rest had devised had been sound and working well to bring more soldiers home? Has she gotten so used to the battles and the carnage? Is that why this ambush by titans has taken her by surprise?

She yells for her squad to switch to ODM gear and attack, leaving the rear guard recruits to see to their horses. She sees Haydn’s team scattering in the air, circling the horde of titans and cutting them down as quickly as they possibly can. But the titans swarm the long abandoned castle ruins they’ve found themselves trapped at, seeming to even double in number for every one titan struck down. She’s not sure she’s ever seen this many concentrated in one area.

And it’s only just begun.

The forward guard had long sent up their flares, indicating both the beginning of a fight and a call for assistance. Kai had hoped to make a beeline for them, until their teams were beset themselves from seemingly out of nowhere. Multiple titans, the smallest being around five metres from what Kai could tell from a quick fly-about, surround them, swatting Scouts of the air or climbing walls to reach the others.

Kai tries her best to maneuver and not get caught in clumps of titans. She tries to stay high, as high as she possibly can, trying to keep out of reach. It’s working, at least as leverage to get good angles to slice titans from and to keep safe, but at the expense of her gas. If she’s not careful, she can run out before she can even think of making a break for the forward guard’s smoke signals; she’s already lost her spare canisters, handicapping her.

She finds a high enough parapet to land, switching out her blades. She has to be careful with these as well - She’ll stand no chance without blades. Someone calls her name, and then Haydn lands with a thud beside her on the crusting shingles.

“You good?” Haydn asks, checking on their own blades and canisters.

“I’m good,” Kai assures her, a little breathlessly, “You?”

“I’m just peachy,” Haydn replies, “You got a plan? We’re getting slaughtered here, and we still gotta make it to the front.”

“I know,” Kai shouts, momentarily distracted by a familiar voice screaming until being suddenly cut off, “Shit. Where the fuck did they even come from?!”

“Does it matter?!” Haydn shoots back, “We just gotta take ‘em down before they get us!”

“Kai! Haydn!”

That’s Levi’s voice. They both turn in the direction they heard him from, just in time to see three or four titans crumple and fall, steaming from the nape. Behind them, stark dark silhouettes against a sunset sky, Levi and members of his squad rise into view. Two of them split off to take care of the rest of the titans, while Levi and another from his squad join Kai and Haydn on the roof.

“If you’ve still got gas and blades, get out of here!” Levi barks at them, disposing of his shortened and blunted blades in favor of sharper replacements, “Take what’s left of your squads and head for the front! We need as many people as we can get!”

“What about you?” Haydn asks, seemingly before they can stop themselves.

Levi spares her a quick glance. “We’ll take care of these assholes,” he tells her, “Go! And don’t you _dare_ die before you get to Commander Erwin! That goes double for _you_ , Fryxell! I trust you already understand why!”

The mention of Erwin’s name seems to breathe more energy into Kai, giving her a second wind. She grits her teeth. “I won’t!” she calls, hardly caring whether or not he had heard. She jumps, firing her ODM gear up and latching it onto the nearest roof below. She calls her squad to her, and three of seven gather to her. She can already tell who’s missing; she makes a mental note to try and search for them later in the hopes of bringing them home. She’ll have some letters to write, but first, she has to survive. _They_ all have to survive.

They find horses and use them to speed towards the fading smoke signals to the east. The path isn’t clear; titans come at them from every angle, but Kai orders her squad not to waste their equipment on them. The forward guard and Command would need them. _Erwin_ would need them.

Evasive measures are never easy, especially on a horse, but observational skills and agility are Kai’s strong suit. She uses what she can just barely see to make quick judgment calls. She leads her paltry team in weaving between titan after titan, trying to keep them out of reach and alive at least long enough to help where they’re needed.

She can tell when they’ve finally reached the forward guard’s stand; the ground is far more upended here, littered with blood and body parts. The screaming is louder, the chaos harder to see through. Kai focuses, or tries to. Tries to see through all the steam, smoke and ash, trying to find any sign of Erwin.

“Captain! On your left!”

Kai turns just in time to see a giant hand come swiping at her. She leaps off her horse in time, leaving the poor steed to be grabbed by the seven-metre monstrosity she had narrowly escaped from. She and her team spring to action immediately; she fires her tethers almost as they do, and flies into the air when it latches onto the beast’s hip. Her team circles the titan’s legs, slicing at its ankles. When it falls forward, Kai strikes, cutting through its nape. Kai and her team are moving again before the titan can even finish dying.

The further in they go, the more titans, fighting and death there is. Kai lends aid where she can, but every duck and dodge sems narrower and narrower. The steam is stinging her eyes, and her swings are starting to slow. She’s lost sight of her team somehow, and there’s still no sign of Erwin anywhere, so she continues to plow through the mess, asking anyone she can if they’d seen the Commander.

One of her gas canisters begins to sputter. Kai lets out a sharp curse as she takes refuge in a tree. She knocks at the can, hearing a mostly hollow ring answer back. _Goddammit_ . She’ll just have to try to find a horse, or hope she can find Erwin fast enough. But without gas, what would she do? If he’s in trouble too, she may not be able to defend him. But if he _is_ in trouble, then every second she wastes hiding in the tree could be making things worse.

“FUCK!” Kai yells, putting her own foot down before she starts to think too much and stop herself from jumping. Everything is a risk. There’s no 100% failsafe strategy in a situation as dire as this. Too many things are unknown to her to be able to make a good enough plan. She’ll just have to take a gamble and hope she can deal with whatever comes her way.

Like the fifteen-metre that comes out of nowhere and nearly catches her in its mouth. Kai is a literal hair away from being devoured. She just manages to dodge, but lands awkwardly on her left ankle. The pain shoots through her immediately, making her left leg go numb for seconds that feel like an eternity as she watches the titan bear down on her prone form. It’s bigger than she thought, broad form covered in muscles. Its wild lifeless eyes stare right at Kai as she tries to drag her leg up enough so she can trigger her ODM gear. She aims for the trees as she hears someone she recognizes as part of her team call out her name and rush to her aid.

“Get out of -” she calls back, but the titan turns its head and opens its mouth, catching her comrade in its beastly maw. She winces at the loud crunch of her teammate’s body being gnawed in half between the titan’s jaws.

“Shit!” she cries out, trying not to dwell, but she feels the shock seize her throat up. Deaths are nothing new, but they’re also never easy. Still, sheknows now isn’t the time. She takes to the sky, circling around the titan and aiming for the back of its neck, but her blunted blades barely sink deep enough to matter. She tries again, higher this time, but one of her blades snaps off. She should have switched blades earlier, but she hadn’t even thought of it - she’d been too worried about her dwindling gas, which is just barely keeping her in the air now.

 _Maybe I can take this bastard down with whatever I’ve got left,_ she thinks as she prepares for another assault, _And then try and scavenge supp--_

Her thoughts are cut off by her own scream - the titan’s other hand had closed in on her as she was bearing down, and now she finds herself in its tight grasp. The titan stares hungrily at her as she writhes and squirms, trying to get free.

And then the titan’s grip tightens around Kai. She yells as she feels one, maybe two, of her ribs crack. The pain is unbearable, making her limbs tremble with shock and her eyes sting with tears. She’s never felt pain like this. She can’t breathe. She can barely see. She pounds at the fist fruitlessly, tries to stab it with the one blade she’s still somehow holding onto. But the titan’s mouth draws closer and closer, heat emanating from its open maw. All Kai can feel now is pain, fear and desperation. She needs to get free. She _has_ to. She can’t die. She still has to find him, has to help…

A loud, deep roar, a slice of metal through air then flesh, and suddenly Kai is loose, flung up into the air unexpectedly and unprepared. And then a warm, solid body is crashing into her, an arm wound around her shoulders, catching her.

“Kai!” Erwin breathes, evidently worried, “Are you alright?!”

“Erwin,” Kai wheezes, “I’m...my ribs…”

Erwin hisses out a curse, swinging back into the trees. He sets them down as gently as he possibly can. Kai winces, grabbing at her torso where she can feel the pain most. Erwin checks her there, apologizing preemptively before testing her side with a press of his fingers. The jolt it sends through her makes Kai gasp, fingers clutching at Erwin’s arm and all but digging in.

“Possibly broken,” Erwin announces, “Can you breathe alright?”

“Mostly,” Kai replies, “But it hurts when I breathe deep.”

“That’s what I thought,” Erwin sighs, “It’s almost over. Haydn and Levi have arrived with reinforcements. We’ll get you to the medics as soon as we can and then straight to the infirmary once it’s safe to. Where’s your squad?”

The question brings a fresh batch of tears to Kai’s eyes. She can only look away from Erwin, but that’s enough for him to tell him his answer.

“I see,” he says, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I’m sorry, Kai. They died fighting, which is all we can ask for. We can grieve them later. For now, just try to lay low. I’ll come back for you when we’re done cleaning up here.” He rises to his feet, but Kai grabs at his sleeve.

“Commander,” she sobs quietly, “...Erwin...I’m sorry…”

Erwin blinks once, twice, then sighs. He bends and plants a kiss on her head. We’ll talk later,” he promises, before zipping back into the fray.

Kai can only wait and hope that it really _is_ almost over, that no titan will come barreling through the woods and right at her. The pain in her side feels awful, seeming to throb with every breath she takes. Are the medics teams close by? Are they okay? Would they be able to...get out of here?...And where...are Haydn and...and Levi?...Erwin said...they were here...They brought...reinfor…

~ + ~

Kai wakes slowly, and the first thing she notices is the softness underneath her, and then the wooden ceiling above her. There is quiet conversation all around her, and a warm blanket over her. She wiggles her fingers - they take a while to fully work but they do. Her toes follow next - also fine. She flexes her feet, and ponders why one of them feels bound or wrapped. She tries to sit up to get a better idea of where she is, but pain blooms in her side, and she hisses and wincesas the memory of what happened finally catches up with her.

“Oh hey, you’re up,” she hears Haydn greet from somewhere beside her, “Take it easy, you don’t wanna make your injuries worse.”

Kai manges to sit up gingerly, clutching at her side as she does. She notices a big bruise on her left arm, wonders how and when that even happened.

“Your arm’s busted up, but nothing too bad,” Haydn answers Kai’s unspoken question, “Your ankle was sprained, so it’s wrapped up right now, but it should be okay if you stay off it for a while. You’ve got a cracked rib, so that’s a bit of a different story. The medics set it while you were out, so you should be okay, but you’re gonna be off work for about four to six weeks to heal up properly. Also you’re gonna have to take some of the nasty pain treatment medicines depending on how much it hurts.”

Four to six weeks? Kai cringers for a new, albeit related, reason. That’s too long to sit idly by, but she’d be a fool not to listen to the doctors and do as she’s told if she wants to be back in action as soon as possible.

“How long was I asleep?” she asks Haydn, who shrugs.

“A day, I think,” she replies, “But the medics were confident you’d pull through, and you did. Now you just gotta be a good girl and do as you’re told so you’re not out of commission for too long.By the time you’re back, it’ll be time for the new cadets to choose where they wanna go. Maybe you’ll get a whole new squad.”

This gives Kai pause, and even Haydn realizes they may have said a bit much.

“Hey, don’t stress,” she tells Kai, who tries to fight back tears, “That was a rough fight. You did what you could.” When Kai doesn’t respond, she sighs. “Hey, I said don’t stress. It’s bad for you.”

“I guess…” Kai responds, picking at loose threads on her blanket.

“You’re awake and the first thing you do is pull THAT face?” Levi cuts in, hands in his pockets, “You made it out of there with reparable injuries. That’s more than can be said for a third of us that went out. Count your lucky stars and heal up. You can make whatever amends you think you gotta do when you’re all better.”

Kai blinks at him, confused. Maybe it’s just because he’s done this longer than either of them, but he seems almost dismissive of the losses they had suffered.

Levi seems to sense this, or at least read it on Kai’s face. “Don’t get me wrong,” he scoffs, “Every casualty is a heavy hit. It’s never easy to deal with, and no number of missions or expeditions ever makes it easier. But we have to be the ones to keep pushing forward. Those of us who survived are the ones who have to keep moving. In order to do that, we can’t keep looking back. Our comrades died for a cause we all believe in. If we regret their sacrifices for too long, we’ll end up just crying over it and doing fuck-all.” He fixes Kai with a stern look. “You can feel bad for your squad but don’t feel responsible for their deaths. They knew what they signed up for and what could happen. We all do. You wanna do right by them? Heal up so you’re ready to go out there and prove their deaths weren’t in vain.”

He turns to Haydn then. “Speaking of healing up,” he says, “You’d better take care of that wrist. If you can’t hold a blade or ODM trigger properly, I don’t want you out there. Understood?”

Haydn seems about to protest, but thinks better of it. “Yes, sir,” they reply, and Levi cocks an eyebrow at their audible resignation.

“Good,” Levi acknowledges, “Now go tell Commander Erwin that this one is awake, then meet me back Hange’s office for the debriefing reports.” He turns his attention back to Kai. “It’s good you didn’t die. Glad to know you can follow orders. Erwin said he’ll be by in the evening whether or not you were awake, but he should still know. Let’s go, Haydn.”

“See you around, Kai,” Haydn farewells before departing with Levi, leaving Kai to her thoughts.

~ + ~

Sure enough, Erwin arrives for a visit that night. Kai looks up from the book she’s reading to find him approaching, dressed casually and with his hair down. He offers her a gentle smile, one that warms her enough to make her return it without thinking. He stops by her head, and the nurse that had led him to her closes the curtains around them to give them a little bit of privacy.

“I brought you these,” Erwin tells her, raising a small vase with fresh white lilies in it, “I don’t know if they’ll let you keep them,but for tonight, at least, they might give you some company.”

“They’re beautiful,” Kai says gratefully as he sets the vase on the side table by her bed and pulls up a chair to sit beside her.

“How are you?” Erwin asks as Kai dog-ears the page she was reading to return to it later.

Kai shrugs. “Banged up, but alive,” she tells him, “Thanks to you.”

Something unreadable passes Erwin’s face, but the moment is fleeting. “What did the doctors say?”

“Er, arm is fine, foot will be okay,” Kai replies, indicating each injury as she talks, “Cracked rib needs a few weeks to heal properly, but if I do as I’m told, I’ll be good as new.”

Erwin’s broad shoulders relax. “That’s a relief,” he says with a soft grin, “I’m glad.” He reaches over and places his hand gently on hers, thumb rubbing feather-light across her knuckles, the way he knows she likes. “How are you holding up?”

Kai wonders if perhaps Haydn had mentioned something to him when they had reported to him of her status. Either way, she doesn’t think he would buy a simple, dismissive answer.

“Not too well,” she admits, ‘I’m glad to be alive, but…”

The look Erwin gives her is one of patient sympathy. “Casualties of any number are never easy to accept,” he says, continuing to rub her knuckles.

“Heh, Levi said the same thing,” Kai replies with a small snort, “Still, I can’t help but feel awful. I keep wondering what I could’ve done differently to save more lives, save my squad.”

“That’s a question with infinite answers, and no one could tell you which are right or wrong, not even I,” he tells her truthfully, “I couldn’t tell you either whether the choices you made were completely right or wrong. But you weren’t the only one out there making decisions and having to do quick judgment calls. Your team wasn’t just following orders. They were in control of their actions, and they acted as they thought best given the dire situation we were in. We trust each other to do so in each other’s best interests, and for our cause. To that end, you led them to the best of your abilities. You cannot regret that.”

“I keep thinking I led them to their deaths,” Kai confesses, “And that maybe they should’ve tried to save themselves rather than me.”

Erwin sighs wistfully. “You know I worry when you think so little of yourself,” he reminds her, “Haven’t you seen enough proof that you’re worth more than you think you do?”

Kai shakes her head. “We can’t afford to think any one person special,” she shoots back, “ _You_ can’t afford to think I’m special.”

“It’s not about thinking any one person is special, Kai,” Erwin answers, “It’s about trusting each other and ourselves. We Scouts have no one else to rely on but each other, especially when we’re out there. Your team did what they could and fought as hard as they did because they trusted you were doing the same for them. Perhaps we can take heart in the thought that they died with passion and conviction, and with as little regrets as possible.” His hand moves from her hand to her chek, just as gentle and warm. “And as for thinking _you_ special,” he says with a small smirk, “I’m afraid you can’t really stop me.”

Kai feels herself blush as she reaches up and touches his hand. “You say that like you don’t think I try,” she protests half-heartedly.

“You don’t,” Erwin points out with a laugh.

“Commander?” comes a hushed voice from outside the curtain, “Visitation hours are up for the night. We’ll have to ask you to leave now.”

“Understood,” Erwin replies, before turning an apologetic look to Kai, “I’m sorry I can’t stay longer. I should’ve come earlier.”

“It’s fine,” Kai assures him, “I’m just glad you came at all and I got to see you today. Will you be back again?”

“Would you like me to?” he asks, brushing stray hair away from her face.

“I would love it,” Kai answers honestly.

Erwin pets at her hair. “Then I will try,” he promises, “I'm glad you’re better at asking for what you want now. I’m proud of you.” He rises from his seat, and bends down to plant a kiss on her head. “Rest well, Kai.”

Kai holds his hand until he’s out of reach, sighing in both relief and wistfulness at missing him already. She reaches for the flowers he had left for her and gently strokes at a petal, hoping the doctors will let her keep them and help her take care of them until she can take them home.

\--- + ---


	5. 1 + 1 - THE FIRST TIME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the eve of an expedition outside the walls, Kai finds herself alone with the Commander in his bedchambers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! The promised smut! It is HERE!
> 
> I apologize that it took a little longer to update the fic than before. This chapter kicked my ass a little. I wanted to get it just right. I hope the wait was worth it!
> 
> I stole the set-up for this AGAIN from the same video game I stole the first kiss from, just rearranged and added onto a little to better fit these two.
> 
> As this fic is non-linear, this could've taken place anytime before or after the previous chapter, although in my own head, it was a few months after it.
> 
>  **CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNINGS** : Some commanding/demanding, some praising, but more or less vanilla.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

The first day of the planned territory recovery expedition is spent cleaning and tidying up the old abandoned castle chosen to house the Survey Corps for the next week or so. The place is by no means small, and it takes every enlisted pair of hands to make hte property livable and serviceable by late evening. Dinner that night is a rewarding helping of meat, in the hopes of keeping up everyone’s strength and morale. The commanding officers and team leaders don’t stay too long; they eat their fill and convene in a larger bedchamber assigned to be both a war room and Commander's quarters. Here, Commander Erwin and the section-commanders take the rest of the captains and leaders through the strategies and formations for the mission. The area is new to them, mapped out only by initial reconnaissance, and many variables remain unknown. All they can do is what the Scouts do best - prepare, anticipate, give their all, hope for the best and be ready for the worst.

The meeting lasts almost an hour and a half, and Kai remains forever impressed at how Erwin can keep his energy up the entire time. She does her best to focus, to take it all in - she has a responsibility to her comrades, after all, as they all do. But Erwin’s charisma is magnetic as always, and if anyone asks, that is all she will blame for her somewhat waning attention.

“Haydn Team will monitor the situation,” Erwin instructs, tracing the team’s path on a map with his finger.

“Understood, Commander,” Haydn replies, “We’ll see to the preparations first thing in the morning.”

Erwin acknowledges them with a nod. “In the meantime, we’ll send soldiers to -”

He looks up, and right at Kai. It seems to have been as unexpected to him as it was to her, because he stops mid-word, seemingly distracted. He gives himself a little shake and clears his throat, but a few heads turn Kai’s way to see what could have made the Commander stop in his tracks. Levi scoffs, but Kai doesn’t notice.

“...Er, assist with the relief efforts in the nearby town,” Erwin continues, though his eyes seem locked to the finger Kai has between her lips in an effort to keep her focus centered, “...That will be all.”

Everyone salutes, and starts filing out of the door. Kai motions to follow them, hoping to be the last one out so she can discreetly tell Erwin goodnight, but he closes the door behind the final person to leave before her, letting out a great sigh.

“There’s always something more, isn’t there?” he breathes, his broad frame heaving.

Kai cocks her head, watching him. “Long day?” she asks sympathetically.

Erwin sighs again.”I shouldn’t complain,” he says, “We all have it hard.”

Kai places a comforting hand on his arm. “Hopefully not for much longer,” she offers. Erwin fixes her with a quizzical look, and Kai pauses to ponder her next words.

 _Is now the time? Is this the right time? I’ve been waiting...If I wait any longer, I might_ keep _waiting._

Kai crosses the room, back to the maps and diagrams, some of them painstakingly and patiently drawn by Erwin. She can’t help but smile - some of the art is crude, but Erwin truly has thought of everything he possibly can, trying to cover all probable bases, his strategies prioritizing bringing more soldiers home. He is brilliant, strong, driven, compassionate. With him at the helm, the end of this struggle against the titans feels less and less like a pipe dream, and more an inevitable victory.

Would he feel better, Kai wonders, to hear these things? Would hearing that she can dream of a future beyond the walls, beyond the Scouts, give him heart as his speeches give his soldiers courage?

“Your strategies are solid,” Kai starts, “Your cleverness and daring has gotten us to this point. With you leading us, the Survey Corps has made great strides toward ending the titans once and for all. _You_ did that. You _do_ that. And I can’t help but be hopeful.”

She pauses, wondering if she’s saying the right words, saying what she means. Saying anything that hopefully assures or comforts him. 

But Erwin remains silent, watching her with studying eyes. With a deep breath, Kai pushes on.

“This war won’t last forever,” she tells him, “I firmly believe that, and when I look ahead, I see you leading that victory,with the Scouts proudly behind you. When I joined the Corps, I hadn’t thought much beyond survival. But things are...different now. Better.”

Erwin comes closer, discarding the woolen cardigan he’d worn tonight. “What do you mean?” he asks quietly, seeming very interested in what Kai is getting at, “What are you trying to say, Kai?”

This close, it’s far easier to lose herself in Erwin’s bright blue eyes, in his intense stare that seems to be tryin to bore through her and see into her very soul. Kai can’t tell if she’s losing her nerve or finding the courage to tell him what she’s wanted to say for so long. SHe takes another deep breath to steady herself.

“Erwin, I...I find myself wondering what will happen _after_ ,” she confesses, “When this is all over. I don’t know that I would want to move on. Not...not from _you_.”

Erwin lets out a soft, indiscernible sound, stroking at her chek, thenat her chin and lip. He seems to be studying her face as if seeing it for the first time and committing it to memory. She can’t tell what he’s thinking; could she have said too much? Was this _not_ the right time?

“I don’t know what you…” she tries, “...That is... _if_ you...ah…”

Erwin doesn’t reply immediately, still raking his eyes over every inch of her face. But when she opens her mouth to say something, _anything_ else, he leans in and covers her ips with his, kissing her sweetly. She hears him sigh into the kiss as his fingers thread into her hair and pull her in closer. Kai can only mewl quietly, happy to let him lead, happier that he seems to understand.

Erwin is slightly breathless when he pulls away from her, still hovering mere inches from her face. The look on his face is gentle, but hungry.

“Kai,” he sighs, heavy and full of intent, his eyes darkening, “Do you need to ask?”

The drop in his already low octave has Kai gasping softly, feeling heat rise to her cheeks and settle low in her belly and further. “I suppose not,” she manages to say, albeit raspily, as Erwin presses into her, backing her into the table, “I-I want -”

She fumbles behind her for balance or purchase as Erwin crowds her in. She knocks something over, and its clattering to the floor startles another gasp out of her. It draws her attention momentarily, and even Erwin lets out a small chuckle. But the hunger in his expression intensifies; he smirks, reaching round and behind her to swipe more things off the table to clear it before he all but lunges at her again.

Kai finds herself sitting on the edge of the table behind her, clinging to Erwin for balance as he kisses her hot and deep, one arm around her waist, the other planted on the tabletop for leverage as he bends her backward, pinning her to him. It’s as though he’s trying to make sure she can only go where he wants, can move only as his actions dictate. The thought that even in this, he can command obedience from her, and she can’t help but give it, makes Kai whimper into his kiss.

His mouth moves across her cheek and jaw to her neck, and his name escapes her in a whisper when she feels his tongue on her skin. One of Kai’s hands is in his hair, the other clutching at his collar in her attempts to tug him closer. The top button of his shirt pops loose, and she hears him chuckle; she takes it as a good sign. As he kisses her lips again, tongue sliding along the bottom lip before she opens to him and lets him swipe in, she starts working at the rest of his shirt’s buttons. Once all the buttons are open, Kai pushes his shirt off his shoulders. Lips still attached to hers, Erwin shrugs his shirt off and tosses it, hardly caring where it might land. Kai’s hand and fingers travel across hard curves of his arms, down the plains and ridges of his chest. Even through the material of his undershirt, she can feel the heat radiating off his skin.

As Kai tugs Erwin’s undershirt free from his trousers, she’s momentarily overwhelmed by the realization that she has never touched this much of him before. The feeling it leaves her with is heady and dizzying, and it almost stops her from going any further for now. But then she feels rather than hears an encouraging groan from Erwin, who seems unable to stop kissing her, and it feels like an order. Her fingers trace up his torso, underneath his undershirt, dragging it up as she explores his stomach then his chest. Erwin’s kiss seems to deepen a little as she touches him; he runs his hands across her thighs and under her knees, then locks them around his waist and presses himself even more flush against her. He finally lets go of her lips to pull his undershirt up over his head and off. His breathing is slightly labored, his skin flushed and his lips kiss-swollen. Kai realizes _she_ has done that to him, and the thought of it sends a bolt of heat spiking through her body to land with a bright flash between her legs.

She has never seen him this naked and open before. In the dancing light of the lamps and the fireplace, she can see scars, cuts and faint bruises on Erwin’s chest and arms, lingering traces and evidence of his courage and strength, his storied career. She leaves loving little nips and pecks on his collarbone and lower, kissing at healed wounds though the skin there might not feel them. SHe stops over his heart, kisses his racing heartbeat before venturing slightly lower, teasing him with a flick of her tongue on his nipple. Kai hears Erwin suck in a breath on a sharp hiss; she does it again, and the noise he lets out is somewhere between pleased and predatory. She likes how it sounds; she wonders if she can make him do it again. She kisses and licks and nips and sucks at his pectoral almost reverently, her hand raking lightly over the other side. She hears Erwin whisper her name a little desperately as his arms circle her and hold her close. He swears under his breath when she gives his flesh a slightly deeper bite, enough for him to just feel it. He laughs again, and it makes Kai feel a little braver. She runs her hand down his chest, his stomach, teasing the band of his trousers before heading lower.

“Kai…” Erwin breathes, “ _Kai_.”

He takes her hand before it can find what it was seeking out, while his other hand tilts her face up to his again to kiss her hungrily. It feels as though he steals a little more of her soul with every kiss, and she’s happy to lose herself entirely to him if that’s what he wishes.

When he pulls away, touching his forehead to hers, his eyes are almost purple with how dark they’ve become with want. When he speaks, his voice is gruff with huner, and it sends need shooting throughout Kai’s entire body.

“Your turn.”

He takes her hand in his as he moves away, urging her off the table. Once Kai has found her feet again, she motions to start undoing her blouse, but Erwin stops her.

“Let me. Stay still.”

An _order_. Even if it weren’t, she would only be too willing to obey.

Erwin starts to undo her buttons, one by one, his eyes never leaving her face. Kai can’t help but bite her lip at her sudden shyness, growing slightly with every button loosed by his fingers. Still, she manages to hold still when his hands part her open shirt at her breast, hands lightly running across her brassiere as he begins to push the shirt off of her shoulders. Erwin lets out a satisfied hum as he palms one breast over the cloth, thumb teasing where he can feel the pebbling of her nipple. Unconsciously, Kai arches a little into his touch, making him smirk. Before she can truly enjoy his ministrations, however, Erwin moves his hands lower, caressing her sides before skating around behind her. He squeezes gently at her bottom, making her mewl silently in her throat. Still unspeaking ,Erwin finds the zipper of her skirt and draws it down, open, before he manages to undo the hook securing her skirt around her waist. The garment falls heavily and unceremoniously to pool on the floor around her feet.

And now Kai stands before her Commander in only her undergarments and boots. Perhaps seeing the warring shyness and need on her face, Erwin caresses her cheek softly with his thumb to reassure her. _I’m here_ , his touch seems to say, _This is real_. When her slight unease subsides,she nods at him once, and he smiles at her. He reaches for the pin in her hair, slowly pulling it out to avoid accidentally hurting her. Her dust gray hair falls loose, framing her face in little waves. He takes her face in his hands again, and the look on his face is so full of warm love and hot hunger that it almost makes her cry. It definitely makes her weak at the knees.

“You’re beautiful, Kai,” Erwin says, “And so special to me. And I want you. Badly.” A thumb slides across her bottom lip. “Can I have you? Will you let me make you mine?”

He asks with such sweet sincerity that Kai thinks it would be hard for anyone to tell him no. But here is only one answer in her mind. 

“I already am.”

This seems to be exactly what he needed or wanted to hear to seal the deal, or perhaps the final nail in the coffin bearing his restraint. He grabs her by the hips and pulls her in, kissing her seemingly for all he’s worth. His burst of ferocity has Kai whimpering, fingers scrambling for purchase on his broad shoulders as he reaches around to undo the hooks of her brassiere. Kai pulls the garment off, and Erwin lifts her and wraps her legs around him as though she weighs next to nothing.His mouth latches on to the top of her breast with a hot exhale, and Kai gasps when she feels his tongue on her nipple. Lips still attached to her skin, Erwin walks her to the bed.

He sets her down as gently as he can, then travels down her body with his mouth.Every inch his lips touch seems to let off steam, so hot with need is Kai. Erwin kisses her belly, above the cloth of her underwear, and grins up at the involuntary pleading noise that escapes Kai. Kneeling between her thighs, he traces one leg with his hand until he finds the zip of her boot. He undoes one shoe and throws it off the bed, then does the same to the other. All Kai can do is watch with labored breathing as Erwin’s fingers walk back up her thighs and then hook in the waistband of her bottoms. He stops, asking her yet again, wordlessly this time, with his eyes: _Are you sure?_

Kai lifts her hips for him.

Erwin smiles. A hunter about to pounce.

Achingly slow, seeming to torture himself as much as her, Erwin starts to slide the final piece of Kai’s modesty off her hips, down her legs, and then he’s tossing it behind him without a care in the world. He raises one of her legs, kisses her calf then higher, behind her knee, along her thigh, above the scar left by the fire that claimed her childhood home. He lowers himself onto his front as h ehooks her leg over his shoulder.

The whimper that Kai lets out when she feels Erwin blow gently at her heated, wet core is almost pathetically desperate. “Erwin, I -”

“Gods, you’re wet,” Erwin chuckles smugly, “Is this for me, little one? Did I do this to you?”

Kai tries to reply, but whatever words he has for him disappears into a moan when he flattens his tongue and gives her a languid lick. He does it again, and then again, and Kai’s hips rise slightly as she tries to chase the sensation.

“Tsk,” Erwin laughs with a click of his tongue, “Patience, Captain.”

“ _Erwin_ ,” Kai whines, “Need more...Please?”

A light seems to dance in Erwin’s eyes. “You beg so prettily,” he coos, “I can hardly deny you now.”

Erwin, for all intents and purposes, _digs in_. His nose rubs against her bud over and over as his lips and tongue take their fill of her. He’s quick to find a rhythm that has Kai panting and writhing, fingers gripping at the wood of the headboard above her or the sheets beneath her. Kai makes a high keening noise when Erwin flicks the tip of his tongue at he clit, and when he focuses his attention there, nipping and licking and sucking, Kai cries out, his name falling from her lips in desperate prayer, although whether she wants more or needs to him to stop else she burst into flame, she can’t really tell. His tongue on her quim feels like fire, the gaze he fixes her with as he groans into her even hotter.

“So delicious,” Erwin breathes to himself in a brief moment of coming up for air, “I knew you would be. My sweet girl.”

Kai did not know she could get any slicker, but she certainly feels a surge of _something_ then. The yelp she lets out almost drowns out the growl that comes from Erwin as his mouth attacks her pussy again, more sure of what to do now to keep Kai moaning and squirming and saying his name. He feeds on her greedily, like a dying man finding an oasis. Kai can’t help but rock her hips in time with him, trying to get more and more and _more_.

“That’s it, angel,” Erwin encourages breathlessly, “Take what you want. _Tell me_ what you want. Do you want to come?”

“Yes,: Kai sighs, clutching and teasing at her own breast, “Fuck, Erwin, I... _fuck_ …”

Erwin suks his middle finger into his mouth, drawing it out slowly, glistening wet. “Shh, it’s alright, darling,” he tells her, circling her entrance with the tip of his finger, “I have you. I’ll give you what you want. You simply have to _ask for it_.”

He pushes his finger slowly into her, to the knuckle, sighing lustily as she engulfs it easily with the combination of his spit and her slick. Kai all but squeaks as he wastes little more time, twisting and curling his finger as he pumps it in and out of her at a torturously slow pace.

“Tell me,” he urges again, bending to kiss at her clit, “ _Tell me, Kai_.”

Kai’s chest heaves, her throat dry from her heavy breathing and moaning. “Oh, Erwin, I -” she whines, “Erwin, I can’t - OH!”

Erwin’s first finger is joined by a second inside her, and the slight stretch makes Kai positively yell out, her arm flailing until it finds Erwin’s free arm and clutches at it.

“Yes, you can,” Erwin counters, bowing his head to, for lack of a better term, _slurp_ at her wetness, sucking hard at her jewel before releasing it with an audible noise, “ _Tell me_ what you _want_ , Captain. _That’s an order._ ”

He punctuates his last words with a rough push of his fingers into her, making her groan needily.

“ _Fuck, Erwin!_ ” Kai moans, body nearly lifting off the bed as Erwin’s fingers drag her to her breaking point, “I want...Oh _god_ , make me come, Erwin, _fuck_ , I want to come for you.”

“Good,” Erwin huffs, moving to quickly drop a kiss on her forehead. “Goodgirl.” He returns his attentions to her cunt; his hand speeds up, pushing deeper, curling more, while his lips and tongue reattach to her bud. Kai cries out at the assault, her entire being pulled and focused on Erwin. Her body bows and arches into and against him as she pleads needily for more. It doesn’t take very much longer before Kai starts to feel release bubbling in her belly, in the tips of her fingers and toes, throbbing as her pleasure rises higher and faster.

“You’re close, aren’t you?” Erwin asks, sounding no small amount of smug, “Let go, Captain, I have you.”

It’s almost as if Kai’s body is so conditioned now to do nothing but follow orders, _his_ orders. There are only mere seconds between his words and her climax. Her orgasm hits hard and almost unexpected, forcing a yell of his name from her as he shoves his fingers in exactly the right way, hitting exactly the right spot. Kai’s eyes are as tightly shut as her jaw has fallen slack, incoherent phrases and incomplete words falling from her lips as Erwin continues to draw the sensation out even more, perhaps trying to push her to the point of oversensitivity. He finally withdraws only when she begins him to, whimpering at the jolts of electricity that cause her to convulse a bit against him.

“Erwin…” Kai pants, “ _Erwin_ …”

Erwin moves up her body until he is kissing her again, a quiet groan falling from his lips as they crash against hers. Shecan taste herself still in his kiss, ant it makes her buck against him involuntarily. Her hands are in his hair and gripping at his shoulder and sliding down his sturdy back, holding onto him as if he might suddenly disappear if she lets go.

Erwin is the one to break the kiss, reaching up to pet her hair soothingly. “Are you alright?”

Kai’s breathing is still heavy, her not quite calmed yet from her peak, but she nods.

Erwin chuckles, and Kai feels the rumble of his chest against hers. “Good,” he tells her, kissing her forehead, “Because I’m not done with you yet. Not by a long shot.”

He rises off of her only long enough to divest himself of the rest of his clothes. The sight of him completely naked has Kai gasping. Ewin is beautiful - disheveled, broad, strong, hard. Involuntarily, she reaches for him, and he goes to her willingly, kissing her insistently, intently. She can feel him nestled at her apex, her legs spread on either side of him as he holds her flush against him, supporting his weight on his elbows. Despite having come not but a few moments ago, she can already feel herself becoming slick again, the tickling sensation between her legs just _this_ side of overwhelming. She grinds her hips against him, slow rolls in an attempt for enough friction to relieve her need a little.

“Oh fuck,” Erwin sighs, eyes fluttering close and mouth falling slightly open, “Fuck, Kai.”

He dips his head and kisses and licks at her throat and neck, sucking at her pulse point hard enough to make Kai briefly wonder if he’ll leave a mark. His hps start to move with hers, his cock sliding along her wet folds and rubbing against her clit. He grabs one of her thighs and winds it around his waist, breathing out her name like a reverent prayer as he drives her body with his.

“Gods, I want you,” he groans, “I fucking want you.”

Kai has never heard him swear like this, doesn't think she's ever heard him sound so _desperate_. The thought that she is doing this to him, making him like this, is as heady as alcohol, shooting straight through her and making her feel light-headed.

“Erwin, please,” she mewls, reaching for his earlobe with her teeth, “I need...Erwin…”

“I know,” Erwin pants with a small laugh, “I know. Me too.”

He lifts himself off her to be able to reach down between their bodies. She feels his fingers prod into her again, and she whimpers helplessly. His fingers curl inside her deftly, twisting and scissoring slightly as if to test her.

“So wet,” he moans, clearly amused and pleased, “My good, sweet girl.”

Erwin’s fingers withdraw then, only to be replaced by the head of his cock. Kai’s fingers dig into the flesh of his shoulders as he pushes in slowly, his breath catching in his throat at the feel of her. Kai can feel herself throbbing and fluttering around his girth, and when he snaps his hips the rest of the way through, her body responds by clamping down around him as she yelps. Erwin covers her mouth with his again as he starts to move, his body digging into hers. Beneath them, the wood of the bed creaks with their movements, drowned out by Erwin’s low growls and groans as he fucks into her.

Kai loses herself in his embrace, feeling small in his arms and yet so perfectly fitting with his body. The dull ache at the slight stretch of her around him is intoxicating, and she can’t help but lock both legs around him in an effort to keep Erwin there where she wants him. He’s taking his time, and each thrust feels almost impossibly deep, and all Kai can do is let him do as he pleases, clawing at his back and arms and shoulders, stroking through his hair when he kisses her. He stops long enough to adjust and re-angle a little for more leverage in exactly the right direction, and when he withdraws almost entirely only to slam back in, Kai lets out a raspy, high moan, her body rocking upwards on the bed.

“Fuck!” she cries out, “Oh Erwin, you feel so good -”

His response is growl behind gritted teeth as he moves faster, harder, his mouth slightly ajar with his efforts. He falls forward again, one arm holding his body above hers while the other pulls her legs slightly higher up his torso. He feels even deeper like this, and Kai desperately chases the pleasure of it with her own thrusts, trying to match his rhythm.

“Yes, that’s it,” Erwin encourages, his own voice gruff, “You’re so good for me, angel, so good.”

The pet name elicits an almost pitiful sound from Kai, not helped by Erwin ducking his head to taste the sweat on her bouncing breast. She thinks she can almost draw blood from how hard her nails dig into his back then. The heat of another climax sparks to life in her belly, making her draw into herself, taking him with her.

“You’re so beautiful,” Erwin gasps, “And you feel incredible. Better than I dreamed you would.”

It’s almost enough to make Kai weep. “Don’t stop!” she begs, “Please, _please_ Erwin, don’t stop.” Her hand is on his cheek, and when her thumb runs along his lip, he sucks it in, tongue teasing at her finger in his mouth before he laughs at the blush it brings to her face. The action lights Kai aflame, the fire between her thighs seemingly roaring with the added fuel.

“I want you to come again,” Erwin all but demands, moaning between words, “I want to make you come for me again, Kai. Do that for me.”

“I’m getting close,” Kai tells him honestly, “Just don’t stop, please. You feel so good.”

He moves even grader, and Kai can just hear the faint songs of skin and flesh slapping against each other, but if she can feel anything other than ecstasy, she doesn’t quite know. She looks up at him, her eyes finding his immediately, and his expression changes almost instantaneously from determined and blissful to needy and tortured.

Erwin kisses her briefly. “Keep your eyes on me,” he pleads, his forehead on hers as his body continues to bow over hers, “Oh, you... _Fuck_ , I want to watch you come. I want you to see what you do to me.”

Kai nods with a hard swallow, unable to trust either voice or words anymore. She does as she’s told, not letting her eyes leave his flushed face. HEr rising heat has her eyelids fluttering closed fleetingly, but if Erwin noticse, he doesn’t object. 

“You’re perfect,” he praises, “You feel _so_ perfect.” He licks two of his fingers and reaches down between their bodies again to rub at her clit in quick circles.

Kai groans, high-pitched in th back of her stinging throat. “Erwin, _god_ , please! Please, I -”

“I can feel you,” he says, “the way you’re tightening around me is _heaven_ . Come for me again. Come on, Captain. You’re _so close_ , come for me.”

Kai’s body trembles, her fingers spasming on his body and in the sheets. Her climax is speeding towards her at the call of his cock and his fingers, and it feels _fucking_ wonderful, _he_ feels wonderful, and she almost begs him to slow down so it can last longer.

When Erwin rises onto his knees to piston his hips into her, she becomes completely lost in the sensation. She’s only vaguely aware of him _commanding_ her to come, but she can feel the flare of her release quicken and explode until it finally engulfs her. She whines as she orgasms, her body writhing and nearly twisting in the unbelievable pleasure of it. Erwin continues to pound into her, riding her bliss in a desperate chase after his own. Kai shudders, the feeling of it all too much for her body to handle, and yet her eyes stay on his, as he had ordered. _Begged_.

Erwin doesn’t last much longer after that himself, panting her name over and over as he pushes himself as close as he can possibly get to the edge. He withdraws from her just in the nick of time, hand wrapping around his shaft as he spills onto her stomach with harsh breaths that rock his body. Kai watches the strain of his arm, the heaving of his chest, the furrowing of his brows, and can hardly believe how beautiful he looks. As he calms himself, giving his cock a few tugs to squeeze the last of his own pleasure out, Kai swipes a bit of his spend onto a finger, and puts it to her lips to taste him. This makes Erwin let out a tired laugh as he shakes his head. He casts around for any loose cloth he can reach, finally settling on a rag at the table beside the bed. He is lovingly gentle as he wipes her torso clean of him, tossing the item aside as he bends over her to kiss her sweetly, slower and with less need but still full of intent and emotion. He falls heavily onto his side, and Kai moves to lay on his arm and shoulder, her hand over his still hurried heartbeat.

“We may have just kept everyone awake,” Erwin chuckles after a while, taking her hand in his.

“Oh god, was I that loud?” Kai asks, hiding her face in his skin in embarrassment as if there’s anyone else there to see.

“Heh, I wouldn’t know,” he tells her, “Can’t say that I mind either.”

“Clearly,” Kai snorts, making Erwin laugh again.

Silence settles on them after that, the only sounds in the room now their almost matching rhythmic breathing, and the gentle crackling of the fireplace. Erwin’s fingers trace feather-light along Kai’s back, and before long, it starts to lull Kai to sleep.

“Erwin…” she tries to say before slumber can completely take her.

“I know,” he finishes before she can, “I’ll be here.”

She settles into his embrace, letting his gentle touch relax her until sleep completely takes over. Before all is dark and quiet, she feels Erwin mutter something into her hair before he kisses her forehead softly.

\--- + ---


	6. Where The Story Ends - AFTER THE BREAK-UP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mission to retrieve Eren isn't exactly easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, everyone! Hope your holidays were good, fun and safe.
> 
> I took a little brain break as the holidays came in, and hopefully I can get back to writing more regularly! I still have so much to get to and so many other ideas that I want to write. Kind of wish I could just _wish_ them into being, but oh well XDD
> 
> Here's a quick reminder that this story is non-linear, so deals with a major event in Kai and Erwin's relationship that hasn't yet been narrated in this fic. I'll get to that some time soon, but for now, have this! This chapter is largely inspired by that one shot in the show that shows one anonymous soldier leaping to chase after the titan that takes Erwin while all the other Scouts charge forward on his command.
> 
>  **Content warnings** for depictions of violence and injury, but nothing too graphic, if at all.

The moment several titan sighting signals had gone up, Kai had known the operation would take a sharp left turn into chaos. She can just hear Erwin bellowing ahead that the objective remains the same - locate and retrieve Eren, then retreat - but if more than a few titans have decided to interfere, she knows for sure it’s going to be even less simple than it sounds.

One titan transformation in the middle of the forest heralds even more bad news, and then another one only a few minutes later makes things even worse instantly. She sees the Armored Titan burst through the woods, a smaller titan clinging on to its back - Kai can only assume this was the other titan shifter, the one rescued unconscious from Utgardt Castle. Before she has the time to ponder the logic of this, she hears Erwin shout out a command.

“Go! Let the titans chase you!”

Despite the distance between them, she can hear him as if he's right beside her, and it doesn’t take her long to find him. She watches him course-correct, turning back the way they came, catching the attention of several nearby titans that immediately go after him, some of them a little too close for comfort. But he doesn’t even look back at them, just charges on forward, bent low on top of his horse, determination radiating off his entire form.

_ What the FUCK is he doing?! He’s going to get us all trapped between this titan horde and the fucking Armored! _

But even as she thinks that, Kai is already turning her horse around, calling to the team of Scouts and MP’s she’s heading to follow her lead. Even now, her obedience to him is automatic. It would unnerve her more if the situation allowed for it.

She and her squadron fall into rank with the rest as more titans join the chase. All around her, she can hear MPs screaming in panic as they try desperately to outrun the horde behind them. But then the Armored Titan begins to close in as well, and they begin to lose their absolute shit even harder. Kai can’t say she blames them, but the stubborn part of her is asking to reach out and grab the closest whining pussy and smack some sense into them - Erwin has a plan, he  _ always _ has a plan, whether or not anyone else knows what it is. Anyone who can’t trust that is a fool. Still, she can’t stop the way her heart forgets to beat and rops down into the region of her stomach when she looks up and realizes the Armored Titan isn’t stopping, is much too close and getting even closer, fast.

But then -

“Squadrons, break! Make the titans scatter!”

Erwin forges ahead, and those closest around him follow. He weaves around underneath the Armored Titan, just barely missing its stomping feet, before bearing right. The titans that had been chasing after him leap, but not at Erwin, at the Armored Titan instead, which has decided to try and barrel its way through the giant bodies headed its way.

_ Well...shit. _

Kai follows suit, turning left and just missing the pile on as the titans chasing her literally jump into the fray. The Armored Titan is suddenly trapped, unable to keep moving forward. It keeps its arms crossed in front of its chest and around its neck, even as more bodies latch on to it. Is it refusing to defend itself? 

_ No, that’s not right. It CAN’T defend itself with its hands because… _

“That’s where Eren is!” Kai yells as she rejoins what’s left of the squadrons - mostly Scouts. Erwin spares her a glance just as he prepares to kick his horse back into action; He’s surmised as much as well. He charges forward, towards the gory chaos of teeth and flesh and titan. 

“Is this hell?” Kai hears Jean choke out in terrified awe as the Armored Titan bellows in anger or pain.

“Not yet,” Erwin replies as he barrels past, “But it will be.”

Erwin’s horse runs at full tilt as Erwin himself draws his blades, throwing his right arm out as he calls out to the squads.

“All soldiers, charge!” he commands, and heads turn toward him in horrified shock or confusion, “We’ve come to the moment of truth! Mankind’s fate is decided NOW!”

He stops at the head of the squads, raising his blade in the air. He is strong, imposing, a leader rallying his troops through sheer presence and authority.

“There is no future in which we reclaim these lands without Eren, and there never will be!” he declares, “Go! Recover Eren and retreat!”

Even his horse seems caught up in his power, adrenaline and force; it rears up and whinnies just as Erwin salutes, his blade clicking as his fist pounds proudly against his chest.

“Your heart and soul to the cause!”

Forward he goes, swords out in front and beside him, the setting sun glinting off their shining steel as Commander Erwin SMith leads a charge straight into the mouth of hell without fear or second thought.

Kai can only stare after him as if seeing him for the first time all over again, as if she’s never seen this man and his willpower, determination and courage on full display like this before. Tears sting her eyes and emotion makes her throat catch as she feels a hard pull deep in her chest. She barely registers the ranks of Scouts charging ahead of her, only coming back to her senses when she hears Haydn call her name. She shakes herself free of her reverie and turns her horse around. She urges it forward as quickly as it can go, managing to catch up with Haydn just behind the center guards, only several feet behind Erwin.

“Let’s fucking go, Kai!” Haydn yells over the dust and din of stamping hooves as they draw their own swords and hold them at the ready.

As they close in on the Armored Titan, others become attracted to the charge of the Scouts and make their move. Soldiers on the outside do their best to keep the titans away from rest, but Kai can hear several of them get caught, stomped on or eaten. She keeps her eyes forward, where Erwin is doing the same, his entire being focused on the pile-on ahead of them. Eventually, it all seems too much for the Armored Titan, which finally drops its hands to prepare for a fight, revealing his accomplice and Eren. Seeing their chance, Erwin pushes his horse even faster.

“ _ Advance! _ ”

What occurs next seems to all happen in a flash and in slow motion at the same time, leaving Kai in stunned horror. 

A titan, lurking in the trees beside him, leaps out of its hiding spot and with a sickening crunch, its large mouth chomps down hard on Erwin’s outstretched arm. Everyone  _ except _ Erwin gasps and shouts in shock as the titan yanks the Commander of his horse and makes a run for it in the opposite direction, Erwin’s blood spraying from between its teeth.

“Commander Erwin!” someone shouts, but Kai doesn’t hear it, doesn’t hear anything except for the ringing in her ears, her uneven breathing and her own thumping heartbeat.

“I said ADVANCE, goddammit!” Erwin bellows even as the titan flings him about in its maw, “Eren’s right in front of you!  _ Do not falter! _ ”

Kai watches the titan escape with Erwin as if watching it in a surreal dream of grays and red mist. She thinks she can even see herself watching this happen as if from someone else’s eyes, separate from her own body. The titan is almost out of view when the Scouts around her roar and begin to push forward again, still as obedient and loyal to their Commander as always.

“Kai!” Haydn calls out, “KAI!”

But Kai’s body is already moving before she even tells it to. She leaps off her horse, engaging her ODM gear to stay above the Corpsmen pressing forward as she turns back to give chase.

_ He can’t...he can’t… _

She knows she’s using up too much gas at once as she hurries towards Erwin and the titan while trying to avoid being caught and eaten herself, but she doesn’t care - she has to reach him. She has to  _ save _ him.

Kai can’t tell how big it is, how fast it’s going, she only cares that it’s running on all fours, leaving its nape very exposed. She aims and fires her hooks right into the back of its head, letting the ropes reel her in so fast, she thinks the friction might cause them to catch fire. She swings hard, harder than she thinks she’s ever swung before. Her blades slice through through the titan's nape like a hot knife through butter, its flesh being flung high and far into the air; she doesn’t care where it lands. The titan crumples beneath her, hitting the ground heavily and skidding hard. Kai just manages to leap off before she’s caught and crushed in the tumble. As soon as her feet hit solid ground, she searches around for Erwin. If the titan’s mouth had opened as it died, it wouldn’t have released Erwin too far away. That is, if it hasn’t already-

Kai stops herself from completing the thought. She doesn’t want to think about it. She  _ can’t _ . She has to hope she isn’t too late. Still, she takes it as a bittersweet sign that none of the bodies she finds on the ground are his, but the longer she goes without sign of him, the more her worry sets in. Finally, at her wits’ end, she calls out, not exactly the best of ideas considering titans are still lurking about, but what choice does she have?

“Commander!” she shouts.

She gets no response, even as she tunes out the guttural grunting of titans and the screams of soldiers being devoured. She follows the path of the slain titan’s skidding, calling for Erwin, trying to focus on anything that might sound even remotely like him. She gets nothing until she's all but on top of the dead titan’s steaming body again, when she hears a familiar but gruff voice in obvious difficulty. She waves steam away as she follows the sounds, until it finally comes to her.

_ He’s still in its mouth! _

She rushes towards the head, and rue enough, there is Erwin, his entire form heaving as he breathes hard through the pain,balanced on knee while his arm remains trapped between sharp, clenched titan teeth.

“Erwin!” Kai gasps in panic, and Erwin looks up at her in shock.

“Kai!” he returns, eyes wide, “You...That was you? You shouldn’t have-”

“I’m sorry to disobey your orders, sir,” she huffs as she tries to prise open the titan’s unmoving jaw, “BUt I couldn’t just leave my Commander to die.”

“Eren-” Erwin starts, but Kai is long past being intimidated by his sternness.

“They’ll get to him,” she interjects, “I’m going to get you out.”

But even as she says that, she realizes there's no give in the monster’s mouth. There’s really only one thing for it, if she wants to free him. She unsheathes one blade, and asks Erwin wordlessly if he’s prepared for what she’s about to do. Erwin lets out a slightly annoyed sigh, and reaches for the sleeve of his free arm to bite down on loose cloth. It isn’t much, but it will have to do. He pulls himself as much away from his trapped arm as he can to give Kai as much room as possible, but as she tests where she should aim her swing, Kai feels herself shaking a little. She swallows thickly to steel herself, counts down from three out loud to help Erwin brace himself. She holds her sword with two hands, knowing she’ll need as much power as possible to make this  _ quick. _

Three...two... _ one _ .

The blade swishes at it slices through the air, down and down until Erwin is suddenly free, tumbling to the ground as the sword severs him from the titan. Blood gushes from Erwin’s wound, and Kai immediately pulls her cloak off and wraps it around his arm in an effort to slow the bleeding. Casting around quickly, she cuts off some leather from an unfortunate Scout’s dead body and rushes back to Erwin. She uses her stained clock to try and clean the wound off as much as she can, before tying the leather tight around his arm to stop the bleeding. Erwin seems to struggle a little with his breathing; how much blood has he already lost at this point? Kai pulls out her water flask, sighing in relief when she finds it still on her person. ERwin cocks an eyebrow at her slightly as she unscrews the top and hands it to him.

“It’s water, I swear,” she tells him as he takes it with his other arm, “I never leave without it. Sorry there isn’t more though.”

She hears the rhythmic thuds of horse hooves nearby, and whistles for it. As fate would have it, it is Erwin’s very own horse; it must have been searching for him when it realized its rider was gone. Kai briefly snorts at how Erwin can inspire loyalty even in his own steeds as Erwin returns her flask to her.

“Thank you,” he says a little breathlessly, and the sight of him bloody, bruised and disheveled like this makes Kai want to weep.

“That was a close call,” she replies, “You could’ve…” She can’t finish the sentence.

“You came back for me,” Erwin says, sounding a little incredulous.

“Of course I did,” she tells him, and he almost seems a little apologetic. “Bet you wish you hadn’t let me go, eh?” Kai jokes. Through the haze of his pain and perhaps his slipping consciousness, Erwin manages to offer a little laugh.

“My hero,”he chuckles before reaching for his sword.

“What?” Kai asks, worried, “What are you doing?”

“The mission isn’t over,” Erwin reminds her as he uses his blade into the ground as leverage to pull himself to his feet, “Not until we’ve recovered Eren.”

Kai gasps. “Erwin, you’re very seriously injured! We should find the medics-”

“We should finish this,” Erwin interjects with finality as he somehow manages to pull himself up onto his horse, “Let’s go.” He holds his arm out to her, offering her help up onto his horse.

When Kai looks up at him, she sees only the face of her Commander, not of…

Despite his injury, Erwin has no trouble pulling Kai on to his horse, where she sits behind him, on the lookout for any mount she can transfer to as Erwin hurries forward, seeming to have found his second wind.

\--- + ---

“Come in.”

Despite reassurances that Erwin is alone, Kai is still careful when she opens the door to the private room he’s been afforded. The room is quite big for just one person; Kai thinks this alone could have fit the entire ground floor of her childhood home. When her gaze finally lands on Erwin, he seems surprised to be receiving a visit from her, though not displeased.

“Good evening, Captain Kai,” he greets, putting away something he had been writing.

“Good evening, Commander,” Kai greets back as evenly as she possibly can as she steps inside closing the door behind her, “Just came to bring in fresh reports about the Wall Rose checks.”

Something imperceptible passes Erwin’s face, but the moment is fleeting. “I see,” he acknowledges, “Anything urgent or of note?”

Kai shakes her head. “None that I’ve been made aware of,” she tells him.

“Then I can wait until morning to read them,” Erwin decides, pointing her to the table beside his bed, where Kai then puts the reports. “Thank you, Kai.”

Kai acknowledges him with a nod. Her task done, she turns to leave.

“Is that all?” Erwin asks from the bed, and to his credit, he sounds genuinely confused. Maybe even a little disappointed. But Kai dismisses that last thought as seeing only what she wants to see with a tiny wave.

“As far as I know, sir,” Kai replies politely, but Erwin still looks a little...expectant, “...Unless there’s something you’d like for me to do? Anything you need me to run for?”

Erwin’s eyebrows furrow. “You’re not a fresh recruit or an errand girl, Kai,” he points out, sounding a bit sad, “I just thought…” He looks out the window, at the night sky, the empty streets. He seems to be considering his next words, and the silence that settles in the brief instant that he does presses hard on Kai, ironically deafening. She’s about to excuse herself, not sure she can take much more, when Erwin turns back to her. 

“I was wondering if you might have some time to talk,” he asks, “Just a chat. I’ve been stuck here for two days now, the only visits I’ve had are from people coming with reconnaissance updates or other work-related business. Important, of course, but expectedly dry. Other than that, only nurses coming to check on me or change my bandages if needed. Would you mind?”

Kai knows why he’s asking, and why he’s asking  _ her _ in particular. Levi and Hange probably aren’t exactly in the mood for small talk, not with everything that’s going on and everything they have to do and deal with while Erwin recuperates. He probably has more - or less - on his mind than the hell they’d just been through and are only beginning to come to terms with.

Kai sighs, and gives him a small, if tight, smile. Erwin’s expression relaxes, and he indicates the empty chair by his bed to offer her a seat. Against her better judgment, Kai takes it.

“I wanted to properly thank you,” Erwin starts as Kai situates herself in the chair, “Fo coming back for me.”

Despite herself, Kai feels herself blush a little. “Anyone would have,” she says, “At least if you hadn’t ordered us all forward first. Which would make me mutinous, I suppose.”

Erwin chuckles. “As your commanding officer, I hereby commute whatever your punishment should be to spending some time chatting with me.”

Kai worries at her bottom lip. “Considering present circumstances, that might not actually be better.”

She sees Erwin visibly wince, and can’t say she doesn’t find a little petty pleasure in it. “So you  _ are _ still angry with me,” Erwin surmises sadly.

Kai sighs. “Not angry, I think, not anymore,” she assures him, “Although it does still sting a little every now and then. Not always easy to pretend things haven’t changed. Nothing I can’t handle though.” She tacks the last part on at the look on his face.

“I’m sure that’s true,” Erwin replies, “I still can’t help the guilt I feel at having caused you any pain in the first place.”

_ Then maybe you shouldn’t have broken things off with me, _ she thinks, but she doesn’t say this out loud. He had made his choice, and she has had to learn to live with it, without him all over again. That thought would not go anywhere good, and that isn’t why he asked her to stay with him.

“I’m fine,” she promises him, “I’m just glad I got to you when I did, and that you’re here now, considering you charged back in just to get Eren. Let’s just chat, like you said you wanted to, until they kick me out.”

But as the words leave her lips, Kai can feel the slight stiffness in the air around them. This is the first time she’s been alone with him in a casual setting since  _ that night _ not too long ago. She’s been pointedly avoiding this kind of situation for as long as she can, for obvious reasons that are becoming clearer with every minute she spends here with him, but now he’s drawn her into one of his own volition. And as she sits beside him, literally within arm’s reach, smiling softly at him, Kai wants nothing more than to take his hand, hold it in hers and tell him how thankful she is that he’s still here, still alive, how brave she thinks he was for charging back into the fray to get Eren despite his injury, how incredible and strong he was for making it out of there when they’d lost so many others. But these words sound selfish in her own head, as though they somehow imply her desire to just be _ his _ again, and she can’t have that anymore.

Kai shakes her head free of these thoughts, and draws back the hand she hadn’t even realized had been inching towards him.

If Erwin notices, he makes no show of it. “How have you been?” he asks, “Not injured?”

This actually makes Kai laugh. “Not injured,” she confirms, “For possibly the first time ever since my first expedition. Imagine that. Maybe I shouldn’t be focused on my own survival so I’ll get injured less.”

This elicits a round chuckle from Erwin. “If the shoe fits, I suppose,” he answers.

They spend the next hour orso in easy conversation about everything and nothing all at once, thanks mostly to Erwin being able to find things to ask about. He seems content just to listen, and for one glorious hour, thighs feel like they used to, and it’s easy for her to talk without missing him, missing what they’d had not so long ago. For a while, it’s easy to forget that they are only friends now, that he’s no more than her commanding officer, and she nothing more than his subordinate. But when someone knows on the door to advise her that visiting hours are over, reality comes crashing back down hard on Kai.

“I should go,” she tells him, clearing her throat to rid herself of the lump that had suddenly formed there.

“Thank you for staying,” Erwin replies, “This has been a relief.”

Another lump in her throat. Kai swallows surreptitiously. “I’m glad,” she manages to say, “It’ll be good to have you back on your feet again, sir.” Calling him by his title instead of his name is taking more conscious effort than before.  _ He’s the Commander, Kai. And you’re just… _

As he rises from her seat, Kai pats herself down before saluting him. “Have a good evening, Commander.”

Erwin’s eyes are a little wide as he regards her, but Kai can’t tell what he’s thinking. His expression softens, and he gives her a small smile. “Good night, Captain.”

A prickling on the back of her nape makes Kai think Erwin is watching her walk away. She does her best to ignore it, but-

“...Kai?”

He’d said her name so softly, she almost isn’t sure she'd heard him in the first place. But with a hand on the door knob, she stops and turns, finding him seeming about to say something, though it looks like he’s struggling. Finally, he just closes his mouth, a quiet rin there instead as he shakes his head.  _ Never mind _ .

Kai doesn’t quite know what she was hoping for, but still, she tries to fight down the disappointment at not getting whatever it may have been from him. As something unbidden and unwanted claws at her chest, she simply nods at him, and slips silently out the door. The click of its latch sounds a little louder than usual, a harsh reminder of what now stands between them.

~~~ + ~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to think Kai found a horse to switch to, and she held on to Erwin's horse when he leapt off to free Eren. Also, as I was doing the rewatch to get the mission scene as accurate as possible, I realized how Erwin literally never lost his horse throughout the entire thing, they just seemed to find each other, even after he'd been flung off of it when Ymir tried to save him from a titan. The _impact_ this man has, god _damn_ , even his horse follows his every word!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoy this, please consider leaving Kudos and/or a comment! I would be most grateful!


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